Letter to Silence

So, silence, did you miss me? I believe you've been plaguing this blog for quite some time. I'm not here to shoo you away. In fact, I like how you do not seem to care yet still stay. I think you're doing the next best thing.

Silence, I don't normally ask for your attention but please allow me this time. I just need us to be together while I mumble some things which I decided to keep to myself for quite a while.

Lend me your ears. I need you to listen while I ask myself questions which I denied answering once upon a time. Let me ponder deeply why. Give me the choice to accept how weak was I.

You can call me ice, silence. I learned it from you. Didn't you teach me to become one? So, if it's not too much, comfort me with gazing eyes while I cry out all the emotions I have expertly tried to hide.

Soothe me with your nothingness. Make me realize how much I deserve that this time.

I admit, my heart is heavy right now. And I want to feel every void, every pain, every hurt, every anger, every regret...

...and then, maybe, just maybe...

...you could bring them with you when you leave, silence. And come back when you hear me again heaving a deep, deep sigh.

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As I previously mentioned, this blog is not doomed yet. I would probably edit out the word "yet" from the first sentence if I find enough time to post. I'm not sure why everytime I log in, I find no interest to write anything. And, whenever I find something to write about, I would realize that I am not logged in. Crap! I'm not making any sense, I know.

Black Swan

In case you feel like watching some other films, do yourself a favor - postpone it and just watch Black Swan now. It's Natalie Portman at her best. And, the plot is as psycho as one could enjoyably tolerate. Spellbinding and dark twisted.

But then, if you are still about to see Inception...I give up. Why can't you just be more recent? Sheez.

Self-Absorbed

I am narcissistic.

There, I said it. Hence, the picture below.

There really is no need to post any image for this post yet I somehow managed to conveniently attach my picture.

Narcissism verges on self-absorption.

But answer me honestly: who cares about other people's need more than his own?

A person in love?

Does being in love change a self-absorbed person? Does he think more of his partner's welfare more than his own?

For the sake of argument, let's just say love makes a self-centered person less so.

But does he not care more about his partner more than himself because the partner makes him happy? In other words, the partner's welfare is more of a person-in-love's concern because he (person-in-love) gets to enjoy a feeling he will not feel if he does not care more about his partner.

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FYI, this is the meds talking. I'm currently ill and this "lucid interval" allowed me to publish this post. Needless to say, my mind is tossed up right now.

And, yep! I'm in love. F**k Freud!

Call It Hardwork...I Call It Home

Hardwork pays off.

I still can't believe it's almost done. Not really my dream house (yet) but, like what I mentioned to one of my co-workers, if it's something that you want and you never experienced it yet, it still stands as a dream.

I never regret my decision to (re)build our family house. If you have been following my blog, you would probably know by now how I have impulsively decided on it. Just like how I have decided on seriously lots of things in my life. Call it instinct. Call it impulse. I just call it "being me".

The house got rave reviews from neighbors and some visiting friends and relatives. They really like it, oftentimes asking where the design of the structure's taken. Ma always tells them she got it from me. Well, it's true. I gave it to her but the design was the result of house design searches I did through the web and design magazines. Even then, I have just impulsively (again) chose that design from some other designs I "devised" ( I'm so out of words now ).

Honestly, it was not an easy task especially if you're not only putting efforts to a certain project. All the while, I am also considering the fact that most of the money I saved ( and will sacrifice saving in the next few years ) will eventually be contributed to this property.

Looking at this picture now, I can't help but feel really inspired and motivated. It's a long shot from the first time I came here in Dubai when my only goal for coming is to save our family house and lot from "foreclosure". I accomplished that after 2 seemingly-long, difficult years. But that's another story of mine to tell. Nevertheless, everything I learned from it, I am eternally grateful for.

I just feel so envious that my brother will see, feel, touch, smell and taste it first! He just flew back home last night for his yearly vacation and is probably only a few miles away from home now. Dang!

This Blog's Not Doomed...Yet

Where did I get the "inspiration" to post? Sa kawalan ko ng antok!

Nabasa ko kase sa Yahoo News na ang human resources department eh hindi na lang nagrerely sa kung ano ang nakasulat sa CV (curriculum vitae ) mo ngayon. Nagreresort na rin daw sila sa cyber searching ( exag - cyber stalking! ) to get to know you even more! Ang totoo, gawain kong mag-Google ng kung ano ano at sino sino kaya dapat hindi na ako na-shock dun noh!

Matapos kong magbasa, nag-try akong matulog. Hindi ako mapakali. Naglog-in uli ako sa laptop at itinype ( 'wag nyo akong paandarin ng ni-type!!!) ang pangalan ko sa Google, first name at last name and voila! Lumitaw sa first page ng search result ang blog ko! Dang!

Kaya agad akong nag-unpublish ng mga entries. 'Yung mga iba kong post eh talagang hindi ko naman balak ipamalita sa future employer(s) ko! Nagmistula na kaseng diary/biography/travel accounts/kung anik anik eklat na ang blog ko kaya nakakaparanoid na baka mamaya pagdating ko sa interview eh tungkol sa blog entry ko ang pagusapan namin ng interviewer. Honestly, may mga posts na kapag iyon ang naging topic, I would definitely feel uncomfortable. Hence, the unpublish act.

Ayokong burahin ang blog na ito. Ayoko ring maglagay ng password. Pero ayoko ring i-compromise ang current and future career prospects ko. So, for now, self-censorship(?) muna ako hanggang makaisip ako ng something.

Rafa is World's Numero Uno Once More!

Rafael Nadal during his pre-tournament conference at Wimbledon 2010.

Been seriously following the ATP Tour lately ( from Miami Open to Queen's )...Rafa dropped to as low as # 4 in the world rankings, trailing Murray, Djokovic and the greatest of all time (GOAT) Roger Federer since his last year's slump due to injuries and domestic problem.

Boy do I love an underdog and a comeback story! When Rafa ceded the # 1 ranking to Roger in July last year, everyone dismissed the Spaniard's reign as done. It's over.

Not so fast, amigo! After a commendable showing in earlier tournaments this year following his recovery from injuries, Nadal started the clay court season like an insatiable beast. He won his 6th Monte Carlo title, then his 5th Rome Masters and bludgeoned Federer in the finals to claim his 5th Madrid Masters - not wincing a bit in reasserting his newfound dominance.

And, in what awestricken people would later claim a "Clay Slam", he reaffirmed his back-to-form performance by winning the last and the most important title to end the terre rouge season - the French Open 2010. His fifth Roland Garros in 6 years. ( Insert a fist pump here! :) )

With that win, he reclaims the # 1 ranking from his archrival Federer and has subsequently made tennis a lot more interesting again.

Here's hoping to a Career Slam! Vamos Rafa! :))

Pagtantiya

"matalino ka. pero palagi mo akong pinangungunahan. bakit ba gusto mong laging i-predict ang pwedeng mangyari?" mas makahulugan ang sagot n'ya.

"meaning?" ang nalilito kong tanong. ano naman ang ibig n'yang sabihin sa pagsasabing nagpapaka-Madam Auring ako? saan nanggaling 'yun? ang gulo n'ya ha! tsaka, hindi ba talaga s'ya didilat?

"hindi mo ba naisip na kahit na diktahan mo ako eh pwedeng hindi pa rin 'yun ang maririnig mo sa akin?" ang winner n'yang sagot.

kabog! s'yempre spluk-less ako. oo nga naman. bakit ba feeling ko eh susundin n'ya ako 'pag may sinabi ako sa kanya? bumaling ako ng tingin sa laptop at nagsimulang galaw galawin ang touch pad at magtata-type ng kung ano-ano.

"ganyan ka kapag nasusukol. kung ano anong ginagawa mo. kung saan saan mo binabaling ang atensiyon mo." marahan n'yang litanya. hindi n'ya ako nakikita pero alam n'ya kung anong ginagawa ko. katakot!

hindi ako kumibo dahil hindi ko kase alam kung anong sasabihin ko. ngayon, parang gusto kong ako naman ang pumikit para hindi n'ya makita ang nararamdaman ko. pakiramdam ko kase, kahit hindi s'ya nakatingin sa akin, napaka-vulnerable ng kalagayan ko kase anytime pwede s'yang dumilat at makita ang reaksiyon ko. pero nagpatuloy lang ako sa kaka-surf sa net. ayoko nang makinig sa youtubebang dahil baka isipin n'ya na iniiwasan kong makipag-usap sa kanya. mga sampung minuto rin kaming parehong hindi nagsasalita.

"saan mo gustong pumunta mamaya?". basag n'ya sa katahimikang namagitan sa amin.

"ikaw?" sagot ko na hindi tumitingin sa kanya. nakatutok pa rin ako sa laptop.

"kapag 'di ka sumagot ng maayos, aalis na lang ako." banta n'ya. matalim at seryoso ang pagkakabitiw n'ya n'un.

"ay! masungit? nagsusuplado ka, gano'n? bakit daw? saan nanggagaling ang asim at pait?" inis-biro kong tugon.

hindi s'ya sumagot. pero dumilat s'yang bigla tsaka bumangon. nakangisi ang animal habang nakatingin sa akin. magkaharap kaming nakaupo sa ibabaw ng kama.

s'yempre nabigla ako kase bigla s'yang bumangon! kaya sabi ko, "anong trip mo, gago ka!"

mas nagulat ako sa sumunod n'yang ginawa. bigla n'ya akong kinabig at inipit n'ya ang ulo ko sa kanan n'yang braso.

"'pag tinatanong ka ng maayos, sasagot ka ng maayos!" sabi n'ya habang tina-try kong makawala.

"saan mo gustong pumunta mamaya?" ulit n'yang tanong.

"eh, kahit nga saan mo gusto! pakawalan mo na 'ko! masakit eh!" echos kong sagot. ang totoo, gusto ko 'yung ginagawa n'ya. ansarap kaya ng moment! 'tapos ambango pa ng hayup!

kaso, pinakawalan na ako kaagad. kainis. masyadong obedient.

pero mas bongga pala ang gagawin n'ya. kinabig na naman n'ya ako 'tapos pinahiga ako sa lap n'ya habang naka-angkla ang isa n'yang braso sa leeg ko. mukhang mag-momoment kame! hahaha!

"ganito na lang..." patuloy n'ya. "...walang pressure. walang expectations. 'pag handa na 'ko at handa ka na rin, kung anuman 'yung dapat nating sabihin sa isa't isa, tsaka na natin sabihin. sa ngayon, i-enjoy natin kung ano meron tayo. let's not try to spoil it".

matagal bago ko na-absorb 'yung sinabi n'ya. tahimik lang ako ng mga ilang sandali bago ako tumango.

narealize ko na kapag pala tumango ka, hindi ibig sabihin n'un eh sumasang-ayon ka. hindi rin ibig sabihin na ang hindi mo pagsang-ayon ngayon eh panghabambuhay na.

dahil ngayon ko naisip na ang sinabi n'yang 'yun ang isa sa mga importanteng natutunan ko sa kanya.